Hello Family, 

I'm very emotional right now and don't know how even to begin explaining the phenomenons that have occurred in my life that are all blessings that have developed my spiritual growth for loving nature so much more on a spiritual level and giving thanks and praise to the goddess and gods who have guided me this far into my journey. 

As a little girl, I always felt like I had a profound source of "magic," I would always picture myself as the good witch, the one to help people. But I never really understood that until I became an adult. 

Growing up with two proud Puerto Rican parents who have taught me the history of Puerto Rico and the fascinating parts of it all for me as a child has always been knowing that I was proud of being called "negra" because I had indigenous and African blood running through my veins. Every year I traveled to Puerto Rico, I looked forward to living my time abundantly in Anasco, where it is simple living with no internet, just the silence and sounds of the water running down by my grandmother's house, the vegetation we would eat coming from the backyard, and our grandmothers home hidden away in a dense little rainforest. 

I would go down to the streams every day in the summer to search for the red stones that little I knew was used by the Tainos to paint their face. I loved drawing with them, erasing with water, and redrawing again. I also felt so whole, so happy, and so magical. I am addicted to summer. I love the beach, and naturally, I always pray when I arrive and breathe salt water, paying my respect to the power of the waves. Puerto Rico felt like my sanctuary, my retreat, my spirituality. 

Born in New York and raised in New Jersey, I would say that my parents raised me well and proud. Summers were short, and winters were long. So weekends were based on Saturday Catechism and Sunday Mass. My mother and my grandmother raised my brother and me in Catholicism, and while I respected the religion in itself and I do believe in a higher power. It wasn't me. I couldn't feel that connection; it wasn't alive to me. It did not make me whole. As I grew up, I tried Christianity, which would work for a little while because I was a person who believed in faith, but then I felt empty again. 

It wasn't until I was a teen that I could express myself more freely through dance. I discovered that while my goals were to study art at a prestige Liberal Art High School in NJ, there was a dance program. So I tried out and was even given a second audition where I made it known that while I did not have the technique of a ballet dancer, I had the passion and spirit. I began my dance journey, and it was hard. I was the only Latina in my class and the only girl with no ballet experience. I gained my fellow dancers' respect when I could dance through emotion. My professors believed in me. They always have, and one day, the school organized their annual hispanic heritage month show, which featured musica typica de Puerto Rico Plena y Bomba. I WAS ALIVE. 

It became apparent to everyone that "she is in a trance; it's like a spirit is inside her." Everyone felt so much energy as I danced through the sounds of the drums. I didn't wake up until it was over. I was so high off the beat of the drums; it was incredibly indescribable, and at the time, it felt scary for me because it did feel like a spirit was inside of me. I breathed song and dance, but I also breathed the urge to be a mother. 

I raised two children independently and have gone through a series of obstacles, but I did not understand how I could always get back on my feet so quickly. The willpower I had to learn to rebuild to grow without thinking, without question. But that would all change when my heart was "broken" (I will get there...) I felt lost. I was tired of feeling like I was a blessing and a curse. I felt as a woman; I could satisfy a man with my sexuality, my motherly qualities, and my love for cooking, caring, and unconditional love. But they did not see me until I was long gone. It felt like a curse because I would see these very men change and become better people give more love and respect other women, and I wasn't the one. It was through a coworker that I discovered my true spirituality.

On November 7, 2019, my life completely changed. I was on my way to Atlantic City, which was almost two hours away, when I finally reached what would be a celebration dinner for completing my education and also my ticket to seek higher pay for my hard work. It was the phone call I received that turned my life around that led me never to arrive and urgently return to what was once my home. I had suffered fire devastation in my apartment, and everything, including the animals, was gone. It had to be the most devastating moment I felt in my life. But that day, through so many sobbing tears and pain, my coworker rushed from work the minute I called her. Liz held my head up with her hands, looked into my eyes, smiling and laughing through tears, and said, "didn't you meditate and ask your spirit guides for guidance with your life? That you wanted to start all over? Your spirit guides answered your prayers! Angela, take this in! It's your blessing! You manifested this!" 

There began my journey; I reflected on dreams I have had in the past that were premonitions and symbolic dreams with snakes, spiders, and even what felt like my past of what was me as a slave from another era in my life. I taught myself about crystals and read books based on spirituality, and practiced moon rituals with medicinal herbs, blessed candles, sage, and crystals. I felt free. I danced alone to drums. I left my hair wild because I felt like I belonged in a place infested with the density of trees and a fish in need of water. I began feeling my life needed to be surrounded by water. I made sure to spend my summers in the mountains, where I felt peace, by a body of water, where I shared the most intimate moments with my children, where I felt like myself. I was gifted animals by my spiritual guides, that were powerful and meant to ground me, remind me of who I am, and protect me. A snake, and two marsupial ferrets, who were precisely the same sex and color as the ones that passed in the fire. The fire department allowed me to take them home, they both were facing one another, one black and one white, as they were both in sleep position in the form of yin yang, and I provided them a proper burial. I understood that spiritually they were my familiars. They protected my children from harm. 

I began to discover a way to get closer to my spirit guides and seek self-healing and my purpose in life through psilocybin. Each moment was a different and groundbreaking, and beautiful spiritual moment. There was one thing I feared, speaking to my ancestors. 

My last spiritual journey led me to this beautiful website/page. I felt Atabey, I didn't know who she was, but she called me (I'm crying now). I believe she was letting me know that I have the gift of healing, but I don't know where to begin. 

I never experienced what I experienced this past weekend. My home is sacred to me, and my bed is my altar. I felt the most incredible and powerful vibrations through my body and felt someone inside of me pulling out the pain of people connected in my circle. I felt my father, my mother, and my brother; someone was telling me to call them and heal them. It was hard to do because the phone was sickening to look at (technology and spirituality don't mix. lol), but it was my form of communication with them. At that moment with my family, I told them "hay un Espiritu mas poderosa en mi vida que viene de parte de la Familia de mami, y no see quien ella es pero ella es fuerte y see esta comunicando conmigo, papi te quiero mucho pero tienes que aceptar que yo no soy las misma persona, tengo una bendicion y un cargo encima y necesito liberar y ser quien soy yo, no entiendo porque esto me esta pasando pero siento, lo siento, y es fuerte" I cry everytime I think of the moments I had with each person. I was experiencing child labor on my bed; I was sweating profusely and moaning repeatedly. Collapsing to the bed in a fetal position to regain my strength to do it all over again with every person I needed to heal. I realized I was a healer, a filter of some sort. The energy, the pain the suffering of others would go through me to feel and my purpose was to heal them and teach them how to let go, what to do, and with prayer and love. I was so exhausted after what were 5 hours. 

I began researching and trying to find what kind of spirit I had experienced, and there she was. Atabey. I began to feel this connection to her when I gave birth to what was myself during my journey. I began to understand why there have been emotional moments in my life of pure pain, anger & sadness all at once, and during that moment, mother nature turned the weather into heavy rain storms.

There is so much I need to learn about my past ancestors, my bloodline, my spirituality, my heritage, and my peace as a Taino for me to help others. 

Which leads me to seek help and guidance from anyone that can help me. Are there any retreats or programs in Puerto Rico where I can learn more and experience and practice rituals and ceremonies with the Tainos or healers, curador/a? 

I don't know what to do, which led me to you, and I am looking for guidance and support from the Taino Family.  

Love, 

Angela